David’s Kiss
By Melissa Strangway
The last thing Miranda saw was Matt and a two storey house as her own words echoed through her mind. ‘You don’t choose who you fall in love with.’
Sun seeped into her bedroom window and Pig purred loudly near her ear, hoping to wake her. Miranda rolled over and cuddled Pig closer. Content with her attention, he purred louder, knowing he wouldn’t have to wait much longer for the morning sound of the can opener.
Miranda Mills lived in a tiny apartment above a quaint Flower Boutique, right across from Downtown Square. For one person, the apartment was just right. The kitchen and living room were separated by an island that made the distinction between the eating and the sitting area, making both areas seem a little bigger than they were. But the bedroom was small, with barely enough space for a single bed and one dresser.
The odd thing was the location of the bathroom. You could only get to it by walking through the bedroom, which meant Miranda always had to make sure her room was tidy in case of unexpected guests.
She and Pig had lived here for almost three years and although most people would consider it too small, she liked it better than anywhere else she had lived. There was a convenience and a vitality about living in the heart of the city. She always knew how to find entertainment, where to see the good plays, which ones to avoid. She could easily find fancy restaurants and the places where you could dine on a tight budget.
The constant pulse of the city appealed to her, and she was sure the city never slept. From dusk to dawn, magicians, singers, violinists, scammers prowled the streets until they were replaced by the early joggers, walkers, bikers. Then came the suits and brief cases.
But most of all she liked that she could walk everywhere from her apartment, especially to work. It wasn’t the best paying job she had ever held, but she liked it.
Miranda lazed in bed thinking of her friends and what their mornings must be like. Most of them had children now, and there would be an early morning rush to wake the kids, make lunches, pack school bags, make sure homework was done and teeth brushed. She imagined things might have been like that for her if she had accepted Matt’s proposal.
Miranda scratched Pig’s chin. He was getting restless and since repeatedly touching her with his paw wasn’t getting him anywhere, he began nipping at her hand. When she finally got the hint, Pig hopped off the bed, meowing loudly as Miranda followed him into the kitchen. Pig had her trained well and he knew he was in charge. But as Miranda fumbled with the can opener, Pig showed his appreciation by arching his back and rubbing against her bare legs.
Her mother had been disappointed, even angry, when Miranda told her she declined Matt’s offer. ‘You’ll never find another man who can give you everything that Matt can,’ she had said in a flat voice. Miranda had shrugged, saying she would take her chances. She thought that being alone was better than being with someone you couldn’t give your entire self to. But since she was already past thirty, her mother kept insisting Miranda was running out of choices.
While she busied herself taking care of Pig’s appetite, she smiled to herself. It didn’t matter if her friends were all living the lives that statistics are made from. The two kids, two cars, two storey houses with attached two car garages. But usually only one cat, one dog, and one white picket fence.
She wondered if her friends were really happy. They all had the same lives, almost as though they had followed that path because they couldn’t think of anything else to do. And Miranda knew she couldn’t be happy with just that. There was something out there for her, something she was searching for. She didn’t know yet what that something was, but the certainty that it was out there was enough to make her reject a wonderful proposal from a wonderful man.
After breakfast, Miranda showered and got ready for work. The bank was open for late evening hours Thursdays and Fridays and she had the closing shifts on both nights.
As she brushed and curled her hair, Pig sat on the sink vanity talking to her and grooming himself for the busy day he had planned.
Miranda stood in front of the mirror, pleased with her appearance. The citrus coloured outfit was enhanced by her tan and she was pleased with the new golden highlights in her hair.
As Pig settled himself on the window sill, a tight little ball of black fur eager to get to the chore of sunning himself all afternoon, Miranda kissed him goodbye, grabbed her purse and locked the door behind her as she left for the day. Pig never really wondered where she went, but he knew that she was always glad to see him when she came home.
It was a bright sunny day and Miranda enjoyed her walk although it was not even noon and already the air was getting muggy. She stopped at a newsstand to buy the daily paper and a coffee, watching the lively street scene and feeling like she was a part of the downtown hustle and bustle.
As she rounded the corner, she sighed. She could see the lunch hour line-up at the bank through the front window. As she opened the door, several regular customers greeted her by name. She wasted no time and pushed through the swinging gate, heading to her usual spot at the counter. She set her coffee down beside her wicket and organized her work before putting out her ‘Open’ sign.
“It’s been non-stop since opening,” said Rachel, walking by with a plastic bag full of money and dropping it down the administration slot. She walked back to her wicket.
“That just means it’ll be a slower night,” Miranda replied. “I can help you over here,” she said, in a friendly voice to the next customer in line.
“Hey, Miranda!” It was Jeff Tanner.
“Hi, Jeff.”
He took out his paycheque and signed the back. “Still single?” he asked, as he jotted down his account number.
Miranda smiled. It was the same old conversation with Jeff. “You’re not going to try and pick me up again, are you?” she flirted.
“I would, but a guy can only handle so many rejections, you know.” He gave her his paycheque, asking for a hundred dollars cash and depositing the rest.
Miranda nodded. It was the same transaction every Thursday.
“I’m just waiting for you to ask me out,” he said, leaning on the counter.
Miranda deposited the cheque and counted out five twenties.
“I’m afraid you’ll be waiting a long time. I’ve sworn off men,” she said, smiling. “Even a good one like you couldn’t tempt me.”
Jeff tucked his money in the back pocket of his pants. “That’s a shame, a pretty girl like you.”
He knocked his fist gently on the counter, like he did every Thursday, and waved to her. “You’re worth waiting for. I’ll see you next week.”
Miranda watched him open the door and disappear out onto the street then looked to the next customer in line.
“I can help you here, ma’am.”
It was a busier day than usual and that made it pass quicker. The crowd finally thinned out after five o’clock and Miranda began counting the hours until closing. Only two people left to be helped.
As soon as the last customers were gone, the four tellers leaned against the counter and chatted. It was the best time of the banking day for them, only a few hours left and nothing much to do.
The bell rang above the door and Miranda looked up to see the next customer.
“Hi, David!” Cheryl motioned to the tall man.
Miranda watched him. It was strange she didn’t recognize him, she thought she knew most of the customers by now and since Cheryl knew his name, he must be a regular.
She couldn’t hear the conversation between them and didn’t want to interrupt, but she couldn’t take her eyes off this customer and continued to watch him silently, ignoring Rachel and Annie talking about their kids.
“Take care, David,” Cheryl said, as the man turned to leave. As he waved, he caught Miranda’s eye. She smiled as he disappeared out the door.
As Cheryl was finishing up the transaction, Miranda walked over to her and tried to sound casual.
“Who was that,” she asked.
“David? You don’t know David?”
Miranda shook her head.
“Oh well, I guess you wouldn’t, you don’t work Tuesdays. He usually comes in on Tuesday mornings, but mornings are starting to get harder on him.” Cheryl turned to join Annie and Rachel who were stilling talking about their kids.
“You’ll get to know David. He said he’s going to be coming in later now.”
That night, Miranda lay in bed with Pig thinking about David. There was something different about him, something she couldn’t put her finger on. And it wasn’t just his appearance, although she thought he was a handsome man.
She rolled over and tried to nudge Pig out of the way, but he didn’t move. Finally, accepting that she wasn’t going to get more space, she began to drift off to sleep. Her soft breathing soon matched Pig’s and her thoughts of David faded.
The weekend flew by, as did the first half of the week. Miranda spent part of the weekend visiting some of her married friends and their children. She also spent time in her favourite book store, reading and drinking coffee, treating herself later to a manicure. On Sunday, she browsed the downtown boutiques and visited her folks, only to hear again about the mistake she had made by rejecting Matt and if she had any sense at all she would call him, apologize, and propose to him before it was too late.
There was no point in arguing with her mother. The woman had not ever been wrong in the thirty-three years Miranda had known her. The easiest and safest thing was to nod her head and say, ’Yes, mom. I will think seriously about what you said.’ At least that would stop the conversation until her mother phoned the next night to see if Miranda had taken her advice. That would ultimately lead to another argument but at least it would be over the telephone, and that was easier to ignore.
By Thursday, Miranda was tired of having to explain herself to her mother and was tired of Pig taking up too much of the bed. She was tired of all her friends being happy with their dull lives and was beginning to wonder if she really did like her job, her life, and if she had made a big mistake.
That was until she saw David walk into the bank. She motioned to him.
“I came in at a good time,” he said, looking around.
“It’s always quiet this time of night,” Miranda said. David handed her his banking as Annie flung her head back laughing.
“You’re joking!” Annie said loudly. Rachel was shaking her head and the two of them were lost in some conversation.
“Well, it’s quiet except for the tellers.”
Miranda turned to look over her shoulder, following David’s gaze. Annie, Rachel, and Cheryl were in hysterics.
“Well, something’s pretty funny,” he said, watching them.
Miranda finished up David’s banking, and gave back his bank book. “I have never seen you in here before,” Miranda said, making idle chat.
He smiled, and his eyes lit up. “You did. Last Thursday.”
Miranda blushed, “Yes, last Thursday, but never before that.”
“Well,” he said, “you’ll be seeing a lot more of me now.” He turned to leave and then hesitated. “Bye, Miranda.”
David had been right. Over the course of a few weeks, he and Miranda became quite friendly and even started to see each other away from the bank.
They went for supper, took walks down by the lake, and sat on the beach watching the waves coming in. They would take off their shoes and feel the grains of sand between their toes as they strolled along the water’s edge.
David made each minute feel special and Miranda felt as if she was doing all these familiar things for the very first time. She began to wonder if the something that was out there for her might finally be right in front of her.
As that feeling grew, she realized that the lives her friends were living were very attractive. She suddenly wanted the two kids, the two cars, the two storey house with an attached two car garage. The one cat — well, okay, she already had Pig — the one dog, and the one white picket fence. Miranda wanted this and more. And she wanted all this with David.
As they spent more time with each other, they did everything normal couples would do together. Except for one thing.
They never kissed.
Miranda was sure he would eventually kiss her, she guessed the timing just hadn’t been right. She wasn’t concerned about his lack of affection, most of her relationships in the past had moved too quickly. Even with Matt.
It wasn’t as if David hadn’t touched her. He sometimes walked with his arm around her shoulder and always reached for her hand at the theatre.
Miranda was in love. She knew it, she knew it was real, and she could clearly see her happy ending.
Out for dinner one evening, David seemed to have little appetite.
“How do you like the pasta?” he asked. They were sitting in a small booth away from the center of the restaurant.
“It’s very good,” she said, looking down at his plate. He had barely touched his meal and he was looking a little off.
“Are you okay?” she asked. Tonight, the circles under David’s eyes were darker than usual and his complexion was pale.
“Not too hungry,” he said, forcing out a smile.
She pushed her plate away and reached for his hands.
“Want to know a secret?”
David nodded.
“You are the first completely bald man I have been attracted to. It’s very sexy.”
She liked everything about him. His shiny clean scalp, the greyish circles under his eyes, the way those eyes lit up when he laughed. There was nothing about him that she did not find appealing.
His smile faded. “Miranda, how old are you?”
“Thirty-three. Why? How old are you?”
“Forty-two. I’m nine years older than you.”
The server came by and removed their empty plates. David ordered another glass of wine for her, but she was uneasy about the direction of this conversation.
“Miranda, you have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn’t be wasting your time with an old man like me.” The lines in his forehead creased and suddenly he looked far older than forty-two.
“First, forty-two isn’t old. Second, nine years is nothing. And third, it’s too late. I’ve already fallen in love with you.”
David removed his hands from hers and leaned back in his chair, frowning. His reaction was unexpected and Miranda wondered if she had read all the signals wrong. She shook those thoughts away. She couldn’t have. He must be sharing the same feelings as she was, he must be feeling the same intense connection. It was stronger than anything she had ever felt and she was sure he felt it too.
“I wish you hadn’t said that,” he said, sadly. “I am very sorry I may have misled you, Miranda. I am really, really sorry.”
Miranda sat still, unable to speak. She shook her head.
David watched her, wanting to lie. He knew that lying would be easier than telling her the truth. She deserved better than him. She deserved what all good women deserved, and he knew by the look in her eyes that she wanted everything he could not offer. It would have been much easier not to have ventured into this friendship. This relationship. But looking at her now, he knew it was too late. For him and for her.
“Are you telling me you just want to be friends? That you don’t feel the same way as I do?” She choked down the tears, determined he would not see her cry.
“No, that’s not what I am saying. I do feel the same way. But you are better off without me because I can’t give you what you want. What you deserve.”
She smiled, relieved. She took his hands again, relieved and happy that it was just some silly notion David had in his mind. He was probably feeling overwhelmed with how quickly their feelings had grown towards each other.
“David, you are everything I want. Don’t you see that? You are the man I could spend forever with.”
He winced at her words, knowing that for him, forever wasn’t a very long time.
“Miranda, do you know why I have no hair?”
She shook her head.
“Because I have cancer. I lost my hair during the chemotherapy treatment.”
Silence hung over the table like a heavy blanket.
“But you’re in remission now. And the cancer’s gone, ” she said.
He saw the hope in her eyes, the love in her eyes, and he wished he could tell her what she wanted to hear. He ached to hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay. He wanted to do this and so much more.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I am not in remission. And the cancer is not all gone.”
The server came by and placed the bill on the table. They both reached for it but David got it first, shaking his head and insisting. He went to pay for dinner, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
When he got back, he was sure Miranda had been crying.
“Let’s take a walk down by the lake,” he suggested, reaching for her hand.
The boardwalk was lively with the sound of the surf, teenage boys out strutting their stuff for teenage girls, an ice cream vendor. David and Miranda disappeared, blending into the nightly scene as they strolled hand in hand.
Miranda walked in silence as David revealed his story. He told her about the tumour that was found in his stomach and the surgery, radiation and chemotherapy he had gone through. He told her how sick the chemotherapy had made him, the days he didn’t think he would live, the days he didn’t even want to. That was over two years ago and last year the doctors had finally thought he was in remission and that it was safe to close up his colostomy. When they did, they found another tumour. This one bigger than the first.
“Can’t they do another surgery to remove it?” Miranda asked, feeling hopeful.
But David shook his head. His body wasn’t strong enough and the tumour was too large and attached to too many organs. Surgery at this point wasn’t an option. He was already taking morphine for the pain.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She stopped walking, facing him and searching for the answers he didn’t have.
“Why didn’t you tell me all of this when we met?” She wanted to be angry but she couldn’t. She knew the time she had spent with David was some of the happiest hours of her life, just because they had been with him.
“I’m sorry. At first, I thought the other girls in the bank had probably told you. But when I realized you didn’t know, it was just so nice to be treated like a man who wasn’t dying and not be asked everyday how I’m doing because no one knows what to say. I guess I just enjoyed feeling normal. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you and I didn’t mean for you to fall in love with me.”
David reached for her and wrapped his arms around her waist. It felt good to be this close to someone again. He kissed her forehead and Miranda closed her eyes, letting the feeling linger.
“I’m dying,” he said.
“We’re all dying,” Miranda replied softly. “There’s no reason to think you’re going to die tomorrow just because you have this tumour. You might live another two years. Or ten years. Or twenty years. You might outlive me.” She searched his eyes for the truth.
“Right, David? You might have more time than you think.”
He held her close. “Yes, Miranda. No one ever knows how much time is left.”
And he stood in the middle of the boardwalk holding her, trying to protect her from their reality.
As the weeks went by Miranda took more and more time off work to be with David. Every time she left his apartment she tried to convince herself that he was just going through a bad spell, that he would get through this, that time was on their side. But after telling herself those lies, she’d climb into bed and cry herself to sleep.
Pig purred loudly, waking Miranda from a restless sleep. She held Pig close and cuddled him while his purring got even louder.
Yesterday had been a good day for David. His mood had brightened and the shadows under his eyes weren’t so grey. She decided to pick up something fresh from the bakery around the corner and surprise him with a bunch of gooey chocolate chip muffins. He could use the extra calories.
David lived five blocks away, in an apartment building over looking the lake. She stood outside his door and knocked, waiting patiently.
“David, it’s Miranda,” she yelled, knocking a bit louder.
She knocked again.
“David! Open up! It’s Miranda!”
She listened, and after a few seconds she heard footsteps. She took a deep breath, relieved.
“Go away, Miranda,” he called from the other side of the door. “I don’t want you to see me like this. Please go away.”
She started to panic. “What’s wrong, David?”
“I’m not well today, Miranda, please go away.”
He leaned against the door with the little strength he had, and then threw up in the pail he was carrying.
“I will not go away!” she yelled louder. She could hear him retching. “Let me in, David. Don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”
He could hear the desperation in her voice, and he clumsily fiddled with the lock.
Miranda heard this and pushed the door open, afraid he might change his mind. She closed it behind her, locking out the rest of the world.
Miranda took the next two days off work. She wasn’t feeling well herself and wasn’t sure if she was coming down with the flu, or was simply exhausted from lack of sleep. But she called David each night to check in on him and on the second day, she told him she would stop by after work tomorrow. They talked and talked and Miranda could almost feel his arms around her and his lips pressed against hers.
The next day, Miranda was feeling better and arrived at work a little earlier than usual. She was surprised to see no customers in line. She walked behind the wicket counter and said hello to the other girls. As she disappeared into the administration room, she could hear the whispers following her. She was just throwing her jacket on the chair as the door opened behind her.
Annie, Rachel and Cheryl were standing there.
“We didn’t think you’d be in today,” Rachel said softly.
“Why don’t you take some time off work,” Annie said putting her arm on Miranda’s shoulder. Miranda stared at her friends.
“Why would I do that? I’ve just been off sick for two days.”
The friends looked at each other.
“You haven’t heard, have you?” Cheryl said.
“Heard what? You’re scaring me.” Miranda started to shake.
“It’s David,” Rachel said. “He died last night.”
Miranda sat under the willow tree looking far out into the murky waters as the rain began to fall gently, making ripples in the lake. She looked at the darkening sky, hoping to find something she had lost. Her last days with him kept playing over and over in her head. His words. His touch. His kiss.
Then with all those images, tears finally began to fall and Miranda cried for everything she had and for everything she didn’t. She cried for everything she had lost and for everything she had gained. For what could never have been and for everything that was. Miranda let the tears wash over her as she looked out onto the unsettled water.
You don’t choose who you fall in love with. Miranda sighed deeply. It wasn’t her choice to fall in love with David. He wasn’t able to make all her dreams come true.
What happened to her happy ending?
She picked up a smooth grey stone and threw it into the water and all her hopes and dreams seemed to go with it.
Miranda brought her knees close to her chest and sobbed. The rain started to come down heavier and a crack of thunder could be heard off in the distance over the lake. The wind began whipping up the waves.
No, you don’t choose who to love. She didn’t choose to fall in love with David. She didn’t choose to love a man who would eventually have to leave her.
She touched her fingers to her lips and felt his last kiss lingering. She closed her eyes and could hear his voice like it was only yesterday.
“I love you, Miranda” he said, his sad eyes shadowed by the future.
“I love you too, David,” she replied.
He had leaned over and gently kissed her lips. It wasn’t a kiss of passion, but a kiss of eternal friendship. Of everything they would never share, and of everything they had shared. Of a love bonded by eternity instead of marriage.
It was such a simple kiss. A kiss that had held so many possibilities that would never be.
“You make dying very hard,” he whispered in her ear.
“You make living even harder.”
Miranda opened her eyes.
She knew she would never forget David’s kiss.
David’s good bye.
She stood and walked towards the water’s edge. Now the rain was beating down heavier and lightning pierced the afternoon sky. The crashes of thunder echoed amongst the dark purple clouds.
What she knew she had sought her entire life had been within her grasp, only to be taken away by a cruel twist of fate. She knew she could never forget this man and the pain of his loss would never ease.
There was such a thing as Prince Charming. The thing that she had been searching for her entire life. But fairy tales were fleeting, just like a simple kiss.
Like David’s kiss.
Miranda’s eyes blurred as the water beckoned her into its dark shadows, and as the violent waves forced themselves upon her, she heard him calling her name.
If the books do well, they will revisit my national market.